PROLOGUE

   Death is a scary thing to see.  If you've ever seen death (regular death), you got off lucky.  I am not so fortunate.  The death I was facing; along with my associates, came wearing pastel colored fukus.  I know what you are thinking, "Doesn't death wear black?"  As I said, this isn't a regular death.  There is no pitch black robes, no eight foot long scythe, no bony fingers, and no face so hideous that a cowl must cover it.  My crew and I get the variety of death that has the previously mentioned fukus, eight to fifteen inch magic wands, and it is so sweet and  cute it will give you the cavities a dentist has nightmares about.

     I guess that I  had better explain a few things before I continue.  Having prior military experience and having been stationed in Japan; I can tell you that magical girls do exist.  While some of them do fight for worthy causes, some are evil, and others are just plain annoying.  All are very territorial and it seems like the population is growing.  So, what do new magical girls do?  They move to America!  I have a cousin over in Japan.  His name is Keiko Kisagano.  He doesn't like his real name too much so we just call him, Shadow.  Anyway, he worked in a group that "regulated" the magical girl population over there.  He gave me the idea to start the business here.  So, I hooked up with a few friends and here we are.

     We are a private business and we get work from a lot of big businesses, small companies, and individuals who are having problems with these girls.  Sometimes; we even get celebrities.  There was a job we did for one star-spangled captain whose name I can't say (confidentiality and all).  We get paid to travel the good old U.S.of A. and "take care" of this new menace.

     So, now that you have a basic understanding of things, back to the here and now.  Here we are facing death and she brought friends; all in their pastel glory.  Oh!  One more thing about magical girls.  They normally travel in groups and all the good names are taken.  So, these new girls often times have ridiculous names.  Okay, so that's more than one more thing (sue me).

     One girl, the obvious leader of the group, looked down at us from the street light she was standing on.  She had a smirk on her face as she jumped down beside her friends.  Her pastel white fuku reflecting the sun into our eyes as she stepped forward.  I didn't know white had a pastel version, but I do know that I never want to see it again.

     The girl cleared her throat and said, "We are the champions of a healthy meal and we promote good eating.  We are 'The Food Group Magical Girls!'"

     I, of course, wasn't listening.  I have heard all the spiels before.  That and I was wondering how she had made a white pastel color.  I wasn't able to think about it for too long, thank goodness.  As soon as the group's name had been announced, each girl called off and struck a pose.

     "I," said the chubby girl in a pastel brown fuku, "am Pretty Meaty."

     About a thousand jokes about how wrong that name is ran through my mind.  I just looked over at two of my associates, Xavier and Sha'Lazzi, and tried to keep from laughing.

     "I am Sailor Yeast."  The girl in the pastel tan fuku said.

     I cast another glance at my friends.  I saw that Xavier's face had turned a nice shade of blue.  Sha'Lazzi looked as if he were battling the urge to say something.  I had to cancel a few of my thought processes.

     Then the girl in pastel orange said, "I am Lieutenant Veggie."

     I was sort of upset that she didn't have a name that I could make fun of.  Then an image of her doing weird things with a cucumber sprang to mind and I was back to my old self.

     "And I," said the leader in her pastel white, "am Captain Milk."

     As she did her pose, her breasts bounced.  At this point, I just burst out laughing.  I could hear Sha'Lazzi muttering something about why him, Xavier was drooling like a baby, and our fourth member, Vincent, was....well, he was just there.  I'll tell you about the guys later.

     There is one major rule when it comes down to magical girls.  Do not do something that goes against their "purpose".  It makes them very angry and they attack.  Which is a double-edged sword.  You see, we have a rule we go by.  If they don't attack us, we don't harm them.  The other side is that they can potentially do billions of dollars worth in property damage.  So, I (in the name of my job) pulled out a candy bar and proceeded to eat it.  Little things like this go a long way in our line of work, but it can also cause massive personal injury.

     As I was into my third bite of said candy bar, Captain Milk said, "You are truly an evil creature.  How dare you eat such an unhealthy snack in our presence?"

     I looked at her, smiled my most charming smile, held up the wrapper, and said, "It's made of chocolate, which is made of milk.  So, technically, I am eating healthy."

     The other girls looked to milk.  Milk looked at me with fire in her eyes.  I knew right then and there I had pissed her off royally.

     "How dare you use that excuse to eat unhealthily?!"  she yelled , as she fired a ball of energy that landed at my feet and put a hole in the pavement.  She then ran towards me, yelling, and screaming obscenities.  If you've never heard and obscene remark from a magical girl, it goes along the lines of, "You....you no good, evildoer", and things like that.

     I must say that; if not for the psychopathic ways of a magical girl, Captain Milk would have made a decent girlfriend for someone.  I am using the past tense because as she was running toward me, I drew my sword (He-Man style), and brought it down in an arch of fiery silver.  Hey, she did attack me!  The two halves of Captain Milk fell to either side of where I was standing.  It was a shame, really.  She had a decent rack for a fourteen year old. 

     I heard gunshots coming from where Sha'Lazzi and Xavier were.  I took that as a sign that they had dealt with, at least, two of the others.  When I turned in their direction, I saw that my assumption was right on the money.  Pretty Meaty and Sailor Yeast were sprawled out on the ground, surrounded by an ever growing pool of blood.

     It seems that Vincent was in a heated battle with Lieutenant Veggie.  During their battle, I could hear insults being exchanged.  We were going to help him, but decided against it.  It wasn't like we didn't like the guy... okay, he was a bit annoying.  This was his trial run and we had to see if he could hold his own.  If he couldn't, well, let's just say that sometimes there are a few casualties.  It seemed as if he were about to get one hell of an energy ball fired at him, when he managed to get a few lucky shots in and took her legs out from under her.  He placed his guns in their holsters, drew his sword, and walked over to the injured magical girl.  She stared at him with those teary eyes and begged him to spare her.  He just smiled at her.

     If I hadn't been there; even I wouldn't have believed what happened next.  He stood above her crippled body and said, "Just pretend that it's a cucumber."  With that said, he shoved his sword into her mouth, rammed it down her throat, and then twisted it as he withdrew it.  Xavier, Sha'Lazzi, and I were so amazed that we couldn't even implicate the wrongness of that scene.  It wasn't that he had slain a magical girl (although we were surprised by that), it was the fact that he actually cracked a joke and a good one at that!  Xavier pulled out his digital camera and snapped a few pictures.  Sha'Lazzi called the bank to see if our money had been deposited (it had), and we waited for the government clean up crew to arrive.  When the clean up crew did arrive, we left to book a flight back to our home base of operations in Atlanta.  All-in-all, this was a pretty easy job.  I wished that they all could be like this, but we all knew better.  Oh well, that's life as a member of the group know as.........

THE MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS OF AMERICA!