Return of the MGH

Chapter 1

“Inoba, what are we doing here again?  As much as I like getting paid and everything, there’s just something about this mission I don’t like.”

                “C’mon, Keiko, it’s a cut and dry mission.  No problem.”

                “Humph, yeah!  Just like it was a cut and dry mission a month ago when Kenji got shot in the ass and is in the hospital now?”

                “Hey!  How was I supposed to know that the place was booby-trapped with Shrap Grenades?”

                “Well if someone would have done his recon mission like he was supposed to…”

                “Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Kenji wouldn’t have metal in his ass and you’d be less crabby.  You know, sometimes you sound worse than a nagging wife.”

                “Speaking of which, how’s Kioyuka doing?”

                And with that, my long time best friend took off to find another entrance to this place, knowing I was about ready to break his jaw for that comment.  I guess I’d better explain who I am.  First off, my name is Kunogachi Inoba.  Here’s the bridged version of my story.  About a year ago, I’ve seen and done things that most people would never do in their entire life.  Two years ago, after I graduated from high school, I started a business called Magical Girl Hunters.  Now I know a lot of you are asking the poignant question: ‘What on earth is a Magical Girl’?

                A Magical Girl is the Japanese equivalent to gai-jin American super heroes…   but a whole lot different.  As you can tell, they are 99% girls with the occasional guy here and there.  The age ranges from five years old all the way up to several thousands years old.  Those on the farther end are the most powerful, while the younger ones aren’t so powerful, but 100 times dumber.  Now don’t get me wrong, there are some out there that actually do serve a useful purpose.  It was the other ones that served no human purpose whatsoever that became a problem.  This was the reason that I started MGH in the first place… ok I’m lyin here.  I started it cause I really didn’t like the idea of becoming another drone in the Japanese business structure.  I never thought this business would be as successful as it was.  Needless to say, after a while it got down-right dangerous…seeing that every time a job came up, it dealt with one name: Kawaii.

                This eleven year old sadistic evil little bitch nearly ripped my arm outta my socket, almost killed my friends and associates, held my best friend’s sisters (that he just found out about) for ransom, and pretty much almost sent this world to Hell a total of…let’s see…about five or six times.  Needless to say, this leads me up to right now.  In five months, I’ll be married and a few months after that I’ll be a first time dad.

                Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention Kioyuka.  Uematsu Kioyuka, Keiko, and I all grew up together.  During high school, she and I fell in love with each other and have been together ever since.  Sure, we’ve had some disagreements and everything, but that was what kept us together.  We knew that our love was much stronger.  Even during the time when our other great enemy (I’ll talk about him a lot later) put a contract out for her life.  It was also around this time that I found out that she was a magical girl.

                Now I know a lot of you are saying: ‘wait a minute!  I thought you said that you didn’t like magical girls.  What’s up with that?’

                Well it’s like this: we sat down and talked about everything, and she became one against her will.  How is this even possible, you ask?  Well for one thing this is Japan: the most technologically advanced country in the world.  Second, a lot of the old magic and power is still around.  So mix the two of them together and it’s a dangerous combination.  So back to Kioyuka…yes she does have powers and an item / weapon of power.  Has she ever used them?  *Snicker, snicker* Oh yeah.  And has she ever used them on me?  No, she hasn’t nor ever will.  That should cover those questions you were gonna ask.

“Inoba!  Inoba!”

                Excuse me for a second.  “Yeah?  What is it?”

                “How bout you get off your ass and get down here?  I found us a way in, and make sure you keep quiet!”

                “I’m on my way…seen any sort of opposition or resistance yet?”

                “None as of…hold up.  We got a few guards, but nothing I can’t handle.”

                “Famous last words, huh?”

                “Nope, not this time.  Besides, Lucy’s a bit hungry, so I’m gonna oblige him.”

                “First off, get that stupid grin off your face.  Second, no killing this mission.  Remember that.”

                “Damn…how does he do that?”

                “How long have we known each other, Keiko?”

                “Since kindergarten…why?”

                “That should answer your question as to how I knew that.”

                Sorry folks, I’ll have to finish the background story a bit later.  Right now I have to get inside this base and get that info.  I can tell you what we’re doing here; I owe you all that much I suppose.  Keiko and I are in the process of obtaining some data about Grey’s Magical Girl creation process and seeing if it can be undone.

                “Hey.  You need sniper cover?”

                “No, not really, Ino.  But knowing you like I do, you’re gonna do it anyway.”

                “That’s right, considering that I see three more guards coming in your direction.  It’s about time for you to find a hiding spot.”

                And that was when I noticed the gun pointed at my back by the guard who somehow snuck behind me.  Muttering a curse to myself as I stood up and turned around to face him.

                “Toss the guns to the side and step away from the rifle,” he said.

                Hmm… not much I could do but comply.  That is, if I were that sort of person.

                “Okay, junior, you got me,” I said as I tossed the guns to the side, especially with him not knowing I keep spares with me.

                Hey, in this line of work, it helps to have extra firepower with you at all times and this was one of those times.

                “Grey had said that you might show up here and apparently he was right again.  So where’s your partner?”

                Lucky thing I kept my throat-ear comm. piece on so Shadow (Keiko) can hear me.

                “I knew it!  So how are you gonna get outta this one, oh fearless leader?”

                I would’ve said something about it, but I figured I can deal with him later.  As for the current situation, well that was easy.

                “Target lock: Location 2357!  Initiate firing sequence 3!”

                And with that, the low but distinguishable roar of a highly modified Mobile Urban Tank Unit (also known to most people as a 2001 Ford Expedition: Eddie Bauer Special Edition) weapon system arming and opens fire.  When he turned to find out what exactly was happening, it was obvious to me that this guy was still a rookie.  His first mistake: he took his eyes off of me and got distracted long enough for me to knock him out.

                “Well, that was easy.  Shadow, how’s it going on your end?”

                “I could use a little help here!  I’m almost out of throwing knives and I’m about ready to let Lucy have fun with these numb-nuts!”

                “I’m on my way, just hold on!”

                “Do you think I have much of a choice in the matter?”

                “Yeah!  You could let them capture and torture you, or you could let them kill you…”

                “It was a rhetorical question!  Get your ass down here NOW!”

                “I’m on my way, I’m coming in through the front door with cover fire.”

                “Oh no.  Please don’t tell me you’re coming in with the mini-tank!”

                “Okay, I won’t tell you.  Just make sure you get clear when I do crash in.”

                “Oh boy.  You know… you really can be a glutton for punishment sometimes.”

                I smirk as I rev the engine on my SUV and proceed to the main entrance.  I decide to wait a few seconds before I tear in and just completely wreck the place.  I figure I’ll let Keiko sweat a bit… a little payback for the comment he made earlier (and you thought I forgot about that?  Never!).

                “Inoba, what are you doing?  Hurry up and…” is what Keiko started to say.

                I guess he heard me with the tires squealing and of course the engine and Vulcan Cannons revving up as well.  Hey, I told you I tricked this sucker out.  I’ll give you full details later.  As for now, well, this was the fun part.

                Crashing through the front gate, I lay down suppressing fire to scatter the guards and give Keiko enough time to get to me without much incident.

                “Bout damned time, Inoba!  What kept you?”

                “Traffic was murder on the turnpike.  Besides, ran into a little guard situation, too.  Nothing I couldn’t handle, though.”

                “Famous last words, huh, Inoba?”

                “Not in this case.  Besides, that idiot was a rookie.  Obviously, Grey had told them that we were coming for that info.  So I say, let’s oblige him,” I say as I start to grin.

                “Oh dear, I hate that damned grin of yours…it usually means you got a plan and it involves us getting hurt.”

                “Not in this case.  Since I have that laptop we got from the Phen, then I’ll try to hack into the computer system just as soon as I can find a terminal.”

                “Don’t you think you should have Kenji in on this since that’s his area of specialty…other than finding those pictures, Inoba?”

                “Nope.  Besides, he won’t be out of the hospital for a couple of days.  We need to get this done now.  Besides, Solaris is waiting for this as well.”

                “Ok, your call.”

                I knew he still didn’t like this idea, but as of right now we were on a time frame that was getting shorter and we needed to get this done now.  After going through this base we finally found a computer terminal to log in to.  Only problem was that I have some knowledge of computers and stuff…but this was a little beyond my comprehension.  So there was only one other thing I knew to do.

                “Ouch…dammit!  Hello?”

                “Yo, Kenji!!!  What’s up?”

                “Inoba!  Where are you right now?  I thought you and Shadow were gonna come by and bring me some ummm…stuff to make my time go a bit faster.  Yeah…stuff…that’s right.”

                “We’ll be dropping by later on tonight.  But right now I need your help.  Got your monitor on?”

                “Gimme a sec.  Ok…yeah my computer’s up.  What ya got for me?”

                “Tune in to this frequency.  I got the digi-cam up and running, I’m trying to get the laptop into the mainframe and I still haven’t that much experience doing that so I need you to walk me through it.”

                “Ok, no prob.  You see that little port right there?  Insert the line-jack into that.  After that….”

                Since it’s a lot of technical jargon, cursing, and swearing and stuff, I’ll just fast forward to us getting into the database.  I finally found what we were looking for and started to download when we were interrupted.

                “STOP!  Foul evil doers of evil stuff!!”

                I looked over to Shadow who was just looking at me and mouthed back ‘Foul evil doers of evil stuff?’ Once I heard that, that only meant it could be one thing.  So I turned around and looked.

                I saw what appeared to be a girl, oh I’d say about the age of 13 or so, standing on top of one of the mainframe computers with one of those damned accursed wands wearing some sorta sparkly white and pink fuku.  Looking over at Shadow for a second and then looking back at the girl who was still power-posing and going through her spiel until finally she said her name. It was something along the lines of ‘Super Pretty Girl Techie Bubblegum’.  I looked at Keiko, looked back at the girl, looked back at Keiko and then started to fall out laughing.

                “Oh my God, that’s priceless!  That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard,” I said in between laughs and pausing for breath.  “How on earth did you even think of coming up with that cheesy-assed name?  I mean come on, Super Pretty Girl Techie Bubblegum?  Damn, my unborn child could come up with a better name.”

                Sometimes in life, fate can play cruel jokes on people.  This was about to be one of those moments.  Shadow and I felt that impending moment of doom when I saw a sickly- fleshy pinkish color of glob shoot out from the wand and we scattered out of the way.

                “I will not allow you to break into Mr. Grey’s computer system to steal any information.” She went on to say.

                Watching the pinkish-glob hit the computer, I watched as it shorted out the electrical system and the computer shut itself down and promptly exploded.  After seeing that, I knew I had to get this crazy girl away from the laptop and the mainframe I was on.

                “Ok…. time to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!”

                Luckily I got back to the laptop and promptly started the download until I saw a message screen that read ‘Out of memory.  Please delete files to clear up space.’

                “Dammit!  Keiko, keep her busy for a while.  I gotta clear some stuff from this laptop and remind me to kill Kenji when we get to the hospital.”

                “Why?  What’d he do?”

                “Too many pictures on the system.  I’m clearing them out now.”

                “NOOOOOO!!  I don’t have any of those pictures and he was supposed to put them on CD for me!  Just hold on to the a little bit longer!”

                “Forget em!  We don’t have TIME to argue!  Besides knowing him like I do, he has them on back up somewhere.  Now just keep her busy!”

                “OK, fine!  You know I hate you sometimes right?”

                “Yeah…. but you know you can’t help it.  And let Lucy have some fun with her right now.”

                I knew he’d appreciate to let that sword of his have some fun.  Ok, I think it’s time for another pause to do a little explanation of what Lucy is.  Lucy is a demon-possessed sword that has been in his family for generations.  From what I was told, Keiko’s ancestors made a deal with a demon for power, and then later tried to double-cross him.  So they locked the demon into a sword and the sword has cursed his family.  No one else can use the sword unless they want to be possessed by that demon.  Not only that, but the sword has a big thirst for blood.  I forgot what the demon’s name was…. but Keiko pisses the sword off by calling it Lucy.  Heck, even I’ve pissed him off a couple of times.  So that’s the history, in a nutshell, of Lucy.  Now, back to the situation at hand.

                Kenji downloaded over 20 gigabytes of pornographic pictures on this computer.  I knew the boy was twisted…. but some of this stuff is kinda over the top.  Well…kiss this entire collection goodbye, Kenji.

*              *                *

                Kenji feels a cold shiver run down his spine as he eats his bowl of lime jell-o and flirts with the nurse.  He has felt that feeling of impending doom many times before.  This feeling of pain and sorrow.  This feeling of hurt and remorse.  He yells in agony and bursts out in tears as he realizes that he did not back up his 20 gigabytes of pictures from the laptop.

*              *                *

                “What on earth was that?  Oh well…. I wish this thing would hurry up and download.  Keiko, how’re you holdin up?”

                “I could definitely use some help here.  Is that thing downloading yet?”

                “Yeah and it’s got just a little bit longer to go.  I’ll hide it & come help you out.”

                “Yeah...you do that!”

                I sigh to myself as I realize that this mission’s gonna get even more messy than it already is.  I knew I should have asked Solaris for double insurance policy on me for this.  I pull out my modified Desert Eagles (man I love these things) and take aim for this girl and move away from the terminal.  I fire a few shots to distract her away from Keiko and get her to come after me.  She took the bait as I thought she would.  She’s firing after me and I barely dodge some of those shots.  She’s got good aim.  But then again, it doesn’t take a genius to stand and point a wand at somebody (insert joke here).  Case in point.  At any rate, this is getting tiresome very quickly and I’m quickly running out of energy.  So I see Keiko sneaking up behind the girl to finish this quickly…I really wish that would have worked.  She turned around and backhanded him with the wand sending him flying in my direction and into me.

                “Do you two evil doers honestly thought that stupid little plan would have worked against someone of my skill?” she taunted.

                “Well…. it was worth a try.  Ya gotta give me that,” I shot back to her…with that clearly being a very bad idea.

                She stood over us and prepared to fire that wand.  “Now evil doers, your life comes to an <URK>”

                “Urk?  That’s a new phrase to death that I’ve never heard of.  Have you ever heard the word Death described as ‘Urk’ before Inoba?”

                I was about to respond when I heard that insipid laugh.

                “OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!”

                “Inoba, is that who I think it is?”

                “Yup… it is.”

                “You know, you two really look great lying down there.  Think we could have ourselves some fun like we used to, Inoba?”

                “Hello, H.  Nice to see you too.”

                H, or Sailor H and I have a somewhat history.  Easiest way to describe her: a 5’10 red head wearing an all black leather fuku with black leather panties and carries a whip.  With a penchant for S&M and a serious thing for me.  And if you’re wondering what the ‘H’ stands for…well let’s just say that her powers derive from a totally different direction than most Magical Girls.  For a while when Kioyuka and I broke up, H and I were together for a few months.  I knew it wasn’t gonna work out and she and I broke up.  I’ve gotten completely over her, but she still wants to be with me, and I still haven’t told her that I’m engaged to Kioyuka.  Not only all of this, but Keiko is completely nutso over her and so is Kenji for that matter.  Not that I could blame them.  But it is fun to watch them try to get with her and fail every single time.

                “So what brings you here, H?  Looking to cash in on this job.”  I realized that she still had the whip wrapped around Bubblegum’s neck.

                “Nope…I’ve been after this one for a while.  I owe her an ass kicking.  She is kinda cute, though.  Maybe I should give you two a great show.”  She walks up pulling tighter and tighter on the whip.

                “Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!  Pleeeeeease do.  I’d give just about anything to see this!”

*CRACK*

                “You’ll have to excuse him sometimes, H.  But no thanks.” I say as I put the hammer back into hammerspace.

                “You sure Inoba?  You don’t wanna…watch me have some fun with this cutie?” she said with that low and raspy voice of hers.

                “I’m sure.  Besides, I gotta finish up on this mission.” I reply.

                “Awww…. you’re no fun anymore.  Besides, how come I hardly see you around that much?  It’s like you’ve become a recluse.”

                I hated it when she used that baby voice on me… and I hate it now.  I turned around to help Keiko up when I heard the unmistakable sound of a neck going snap.  After I help him up and watch him quickly move his way over to H to strike up a conversation with her, I go over to the laptop computer and watch it as it finishes the download.

                “Keiko, we got what we came here for, now let’s get outta here and burn this place down.”

                I start walking towards the Expedition with the laptop in hand and put it in the car.  I’m about to get in when I don’t see Keiko heading towards me.

                “Keiko?  Keiko!”

                I look and see him trying to put the moves on H and failing miserably as he goes flying in the direction of my truck.  I open up the top release hatch to break his fall and land safely on the back seat.  I look over to H and she’s looking back at me.

                “What?” she asked.

                I just chuckle and get in to drive off. “You might wanna get outta here ASAP cause this place is getting ready to go tumbling down in a pile of rubble.” I warn her.

                “Okay.  You stay in touch alright?  I miss you.”

                “I know you do, H.  Besides, there are some things that I’m gonna have to talk to you about anyway.”

                “You mean you and me all alone in a nice king size canopy bed with strawberries and…”

                I had to stop her right there cause I knew where she was going with the rest of that comment. “No… it’s about Kioyuka and me.”

                “Oh… her.  Okay, you just call me alright?”  With that she bounds off into the night.

                “Ouch…. what happened?  Did you hit me again, Inoba?”

                “Nope, H did it this time.  You know, you really gotta learn to control yourself around her.  Besides, don’t you have a date with Sylia tonight?”

                “Well yeah…but I’m just keeping my options open.  You know me.”

                “Yeah, I do know you.  At any rate, let’s get outta here and get this back to Solaris.  Got the explosives ready?”

                “Mm-hmm.  Here they are.  Plant that sucker and we’ll be outta here.”

                I set the charges on the bomb and get outta there as quickly as possible.  About a block away, we hear the loud explosions as the base goes up in flames.  That should take care of some of those problems and set Grey back in his operations.  This is the life I live day by day.  Never knowing if the next turn I make might be my last with enemies trying to gun me down at every single one of those turns.  I made this decision and I’m sticking with it.  Besides, where else are you gonna get a chance to have fun with such wonderful toys such as the equipment I use?  Nowhere, that’s where.  This is my life…this is my occupation.  This is

Magical Girl Hunters