If Club Ninja Took Over the World . . .

I. Formal Declarations of War would be done by one of the three Prime Ministers of the newly established Department of Trash-Talking; Ray Lewis, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, or ‘Terrible’ Terry Tate.

II. Keyboards would be hard-wired to give an electric shock anytime the letters ‘LOL’ are typed in sequence.

III. The concept of ‘Time Out’ would be abolished, shortly after the establishment of the Department of Childhood Discipline. The Department consists entirely of black mothers, whose sole purpose is to go out and beat unruly children.

IV. The ideas suggested from ‘Unreal Tournament’ would be put into action as we organize a televised blood sport of the world’s most violent criminals and other individuals with no redeeming social value. It is expected that there will be a mass exodus of politicians to Canada shortly thereafter.

V. Cock-Blocking would be a felony.

VI. The new national anthem would be March of the Imperial Troops. Hail to the Chief would be replaced with Duel of the Fates.

VII. Marijuana would be legalized. It will be heavily regulated, and we shall tax the shit out of it. Seriously, has a pothead ever hurt anybody?

VII. The requirements to become a teacher or law-enforcement agent would go up, but so would the pay rates.

VIII. To be considered a member of a certain social group (goth, hippie, thug, etc.), one must first submit an essay to explain why they feel that they belong in said group. Those deemed to just be following a trend will be allowed to look and dress the part, but only at the inclusion of a tattoo on the forehead that reads ‘POSER’.

IX. Everyone would be required by law to work at least one year of retail.

X. Our military force would consist of heavily armed bipedal mechs and personnel in battle armor made to resemble the Spartans of Halo.

AMENDMENTS

XI. Anyone seen wearing a grill would be subject to having it seized, where it will be melted down, and the proceeds donated to charity. And their mouths would be hereby removed of their teeth.

XII. Any man caught wearing a pink shirt of any variety (except for Vegita, for he is officially pardoned) will be summarily taken out into the street and put to work for money. To be redeemed of said crime, the offender will have 1 calendar year to turn 20 lesbians. This act will be monitored by the Prime Ministers of Trash Talking. In the event that the task is not completed, the penalty is death.

XIII. My personal bodyguard would be spliced with the DNA of ninja grandmaster Hatorri Hanzo, as well as the no-nonsense and bitch-killing abilities of Samoa Joe, the roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris, and Keifer Sutherland’s rugged good looks. His legal name would be Jack Bauer Bitch, so when he introduces himself, he would say “I’m Jack Bauer, Bitch.”