Final Fantasy Origins: A Tale of Four Heroes

Little known fact: Despite all of my videogame skills and accolades, I have never beaten the original Final Fantasy. Or Super Mario Brothers, but that's a rant for another day. The bottom line is this: a few days ago, Final Fantasy Origins came out, thereby giving me a chance to redeem myself. I am now determined to play through the game and beat it, so that I can get that massive monkey off of my back. Of course, even with the nice Playstation enhancements to the game, the characters are still notoriously bland; therefore, I have taken it upon myself to interject a little more personality into this game by posting comments and thoughts that perhaps these people are thinking, but don't quite have the ability to voice.

As we begin, let us take a look at the members of the party;

Mani (Fighter)
Joy (White Mage)
Drake (Thief)
Zane (Black Mage)

Sure, it's the stereotypical RPG party, but hey, it works!

Q: Where did these names come from?

A: It's pretty simple, actually. I've always gone by the nickname Mani, and seeing as I'm the leader of the party, it's only fair that he be named accordingly. Joy, on the other hand, happens to be Heather's middle name. I just thought it'd be interesting to throw her into the mix. The moniker Drake has popped up a couple of times in my work, one of the most recent being a thief I briefly played in a recent RPG campaign. And finally there's Zane, the infamous Black Mage that has popped up in a couple of sketches I've done over the years, starting from a joke someone made to me at Anime Weekend Atlanta several years ago.

And So It Begins
Our four heroes find themselves at the castle of Coneria, where upon visiting the King, he believes us to be the Light Warriors of legend.

Mani: Well, duh... I mean, we've got these crystals and stuff...

Joy: Hush!

In order to prove ourselves, we are given the task of rescuing Princess Sarah, daughter of the King, who has apparently been kidnapped by Garland the Knight. Sir Garland was under the rulership of the King at some point, but it seems that he nutted up something fierce and decided to kidnap Princess Sarah. Enter the Light Warriors, where our first duty, it appears, is to whoop 'dat booty, and bring the Princess back home safe.

Drake: The Princess is cute, right?

Joy: Does it matter?

Zane: Hell yeah it matters!

Mani: Quiet, you!

Our intrepid band of heroes decide to go shopping, for while they were indeed The Light Warriors, for some odd reason they were all still quite naked. Weapons and armor are procured, and spells are purchased. Soon there after, our heroes set out into the world to do what all heroes destined to save the world must do at some point or another- wander around aimlessly and build up levels!

Lucky for our heroes, there are plenty of creatures needing to be sent to hell in a bloody and violent fashion! There's Goblins, Wolves, more Goblins, Spiders, even MORE Goblins, a couple of Crazy Horses...

Drake: I wonder if any of those Crazy Horses own a saloon? *snicker*

[Random Sidenote: There's a local, ahem, gentleman's establishment by the name of The Crazy Horse Saloon. Feel enriched knowing that fact.]

... and more freaking Goblins!


Mani: Holy crap, if I see another Goblin, I'm going to stick this sword in its ass sideways!

Zane: Goblins ahead!

Mani: YEARGH!!!

Eventually they make their way to the Temple of Chaos, which, according to the locals, is where Garland is holed up at. Upon stepping inside, it immediately becomes apparent that several mean and nasty creatures also call the place home. Several brutal battles take place, and there is even some treasure to be found and divvied up.

Mani: Alright! A Leather Cap! Who wants it?

Zane: Give it to the frail!

Joy: Hey! I'm going to remember that the next time you need to be healed!

(Joy takes the Leather Cap)

Realizing that it's a straight shot to get into the lair of Garland, our heroes in turn run back outside in order to rest and regain some health before the brawl. They then run back inside, and confront Garland! And thanks to the power of a better translation, Garland no longer threatens to 'knock you all down', but instead makes threats to kill our heroes...

... who then thoroughly trounce his ass, and rescue The Princess.

Back at Coneria, the King is very grateful for what our heroes have done, and shows his gratitude by erecting a bridge which allows our heroes to explore more of the world.

Zane: What the hell is this? No treasures, no 'Here, marry my beautiful and virginal daughter'...

Joy: Quiet, you.

After a quick return trip to the village, our heroes learn that there is much to the north, including a strange witch named Matoya that's having trouble seeing, and a village named Pravoka that has apparently been overrun by pirates. One of the locals actually suggests that the pirates might let our heroes use their ship.

Mani: Um, right.

Zane: I dunno, maybe we should let Drake ask them... he looks a bit piratey, if you ask me... check out that bandanna...

Drake: Don't make me stab you...

After being treated to a cut scene on the bridge, our heroes begin their trek to the north, where they run into all kinds of nasty creatures, including the annoyingly dreadful Goblins. Right outside of Matoya's cave, they run into a giant snake, that not only poisons Drake and Zane, but takes out Joy!

All: NOOO! Not the Healer!!

Inside of the cave, Matoya's not much help as she simply bumps into things and makes mention of some jerk stealing her seeing crystal. Mani and Zane listen sympathetically, as Drake proceeds to loot the treasure chests in the room. Who's going to tell her, the freaking broom?

The current dilemma is this; do our heroes continue on to Pravoka without Joy, or do they return to Coneria so that they can revive her?

Mani: Like you have to ask... back to Coneria!

Drake and Zane: *droll yay*

The long journey south begins for our three heroes, along with the corpse of the fourth. Enemies in this particular region were a little stronger than average, but the trio manage to hold their own. However, it soon becomes painfully obvious that the supply of Potions is rapidly dwindling. Running away, though not very manly, is considered to be the wisest course of action at this point. And while trying to escape a party of Crazy Horses, one kicks Drake in the back, and knocks him out as well!

Zane: Aaaaaaaaa!

Mani: It's ok, Zane! We're almost back in Coneria!

Zane: Aaaaaaaa! We gon' die!

Mani: Dude!

Zane: That's it, man! Game over, man! Game over!

Mani: . . .

Zane: *sob* 

Once the bridge is crossed, the battles get much easier, and our duo of heroes eventually find themselves back in Coneria, and after a quick visit to the Priest, they find themselves four strong once again. And there was much rejoicing.

All: Yay!

After a quick trip to the item shop to buy EVERY FREAKING POTION THEY COULD AFFORD, our heroes stay the night at the local inn and rest up for the trip to Pravoka.

The next morning-

Zane: So, um... what's death like?

Drake: I dunno... it's kinda weird, but not all that unpleasant.

Joy: Feels warm and fuzzy, in a morbid kind of way. Angels singing, demons clawing for your mortal soul...

Zane: . . .

Our four heroes continue on their trip to Pravoka, leaving an ungodly number of monster bodies in their wake. And once they reach the city of Pravoka, they decide to introduce themselves to the pirate Bikke, head of the rabble that has taken residence in the city. Negotiations are soon underway.

Zane: We jacking yo' ship, sucka! Give it up, fool!

Drake: And all yo' rum too, BEYOTCH!

As to be expected, a fight ensues with our heroes and a large group angry, surly pirates. But once all is said and done, Bikke renounces his booty-plundering ways, and gives up his ship. The next stop it seems will be Elfland, where the prince has apparently been entrusted with a key that'll come in handy on our journey... but it seems that said prince is under some sort of sleeping curse, and so our heroes must find a way to wake him up. After spending some time ridding the countryside of monsters, The Light Warriors board their newly acquired pirate ship (Arg!), and set sail. 

Mani: Elfland ho!

Drake: Where?!

Joy: *whack!*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

From the Journal of Joy, The White Mage:

The first item of note is that Elfland is now known as Elfheim, a recent addition to this new translation. At any rate, we arrive at the quiet little hamlet and seek out the Prince, who has been cursed by the Dark Elf Astos, leaving him in an eternal state of slumber.

Mani: Well, maybe we should just let him rest. He looks all peaceful and stuff...

Joy: I wish we could, but he holds the key to unlocking all of those doors we've come across in our journey thus far...

Drake: Wait a sec! You mean the doors with the treasures and weapons of untold power?

Joy: Yeah?

Drake: WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPING BASTARD!! Light Warriors in the house, fool! *SLAP!*

Joy: HEY!

Drake: You'll not deprive us of our loot! Zane, Fireball his ass!

Zane: I'm on it!

Joy: NO!

Needless to say, the trip to Elfheim has been tiring, to say the very least. We've been spending the majority of the time ridding the countryside of monsters in order to earn enough money to purchase the weapons and spells needed to be adequately prepared for our journey to the cave of Astos, a treacherous habitat if there ever was one. We've had to budget ourselves accordingly, because even staying a night at the local inn is a bit costlier than we are accustomed to.

Mani: 100 Gil a night?! You elves ain't nobody!

Joy: Mani! I've been bitten by wolves, pimp-smacked by an Ogre's club, and poked by more imps than a drunken barmaid today! Just pay him the stupid Gil!

We'll only be here for a few more days, hopefully. Magic spells are quite expensive, true, but they are more powerful than any we've come across thus far. Zane has gotten his hands on the spell book for Fire 2, which if it wasn't so handy, would frighten me beyond all natural belief. Nonetheless, he keeps his destructive tendencies in check, and thus far has not used the spell for evil. I've still got to have a long talk with him about his constant desecration of the Elfheim cemetery, in particular the tomb of a young man by the name of Link.

Zane: "May Link Rest In Peace"? Not if I have anything to say about it! *kick*

Perhaps the cave of Astos isn't so bad after all. Maybe I'll go and get a head start over that way tonight. It can't be worse than any of this.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Time is spent preparing for the trip, and eventually a consensus is reached. The time for the journey is at hand. After making one last trip to the item shop to obtain Potions and Antidotes galore, our heroes are ahead on their way. First stop is Western Keep, where we've heard tales of a king there that has lost his crown, which apparently was stolen and now sits in the marsh cave to the south. We'd also heard that Astos is lurking in the same area and seeking the crown as well, so we put two and two together.

Mani: Sure thing, 'King'! We'll snag that crown and be back before that nasty Astos fellow can find it! 

Drake: *snicker*

Zane: We are SO kicking his ass when we get back from the marsh...

But the big question was IF we would get back from the Marsh Cave, for it was by far the most challenging place our heroes had found themselves since they began their journey. Danger lurked around every corner, and death was always but a mere step behind the party.

Zane: But I LOVE this song! This remixed music is great!

Joy: Zane! Focus!

Descending deeper and deeper into the cave, our heroes soon find what they are looking for. Within a chamber on the lowest level, they obtain the Crown. It is a long trip back to the surface, but our heroes finally make their way back up top, and continue their journey to Western Keep. Upon arrival, they return the Crown to the king... who then reveals that he is Astos, the Dark Elf!

Mani: *droll* Oh no. He is Astos, the King of the Dark Elves. We are shocked. Shocked are we. Whatever shall we do?

Joy: Zane! Fireball that jackass!

Zane: You don't have to tell me twice!

A brutal battle takes place, but our heroes eventually find themselves on top. Having defeated the dreaded Dark Elf Astos, and reclaiming the witch Matoya's seeing crystal, the path of our heroes is clear. First, they return the crystal to Matoya, who thanks the party by giving them the Jolt Tonic, capable of practically waking the dead. They return to Elfheim and give it to Prince, who awakens and gives our heroes the Key!

Drake: Hot damn! Loot!

After some more footwork, which involves reclaiming the treasures that were once locked away, and delivering Nitro Powder to the Dwarves to the north so that they can build a canal and allow us the sail west, we prepare for the next leg of our journey. People everywhere have been telling us that the Earth seems to be rotting to the west, and it was our duty as Light Warriors to find out what was causing this travesty, and put an end to it, whatever the cost. We had done well to get this far, but the journey ahead was still a long one. With the entire balance of the world at stake, time was of the essence. And time, unfortunately, was something that we did not have a lot of.

To Be Continued in Part II: The Rotting Earth